There is no place like home. . .

I'm so disappointed about the way things have turned out for me this year. I have definitely made a lot of personal progress, but it seems at times that my living situation trumps all of that. I feel like I haven't really progressed in gaining my freedom, my independence. I find myself stuck again in an oppressive environment when all I want to do is be myself, my true self. I feel like my choices are still dictated by my situation.

The latest blow-up with my step dad has just left me very sad and disheartened. I say blow-up, but really it has been more of an implosion. They (mom and step dad) have not mentioned my email that I wrote (you can read it at the end of this post). I would have thought that at the very least that they would have discounted it by saying that it was not true. I think that is what I really had hoped. I had hoped that my daughter had been exaggerating everything and that he had not really done those things. Their silence speaks loudly and yet, why do I feel like the bad guy? I feel so unwelcome here and all I want is for the girls and I to be a family. I've wanted for so long for our home to be a refuge.

I'm especially angry at my mom. I feel like she has let me down again. First, with the way she handled her divorce and the effect it had on me and my sister and brother and now with this situation. I have lost a lot of respect for her. She and my step dad were so supportive of my divorce, but now while I try to rebuild my life and reclaim my identity they are tearing me down. They seem to have very little faith in me.

I dreaded moving in with my parents when it became apparent that I had to move out of our rental home. I felt this very real sense of impending hardship and heartache, but I had no other options at the time.

Here is the email. I've changed the names to protect the kids.
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Lila and Violet both told me separately how you grabbed Lila's arm at church last night. This is not the first time she has been hurt. There was also the time that a deep bruise was left on her arm after you pinched her in church. Violet also told me that you raised your hand as if to hit her last night and Lila confirmed it. I am also aware that you hit her the day of Andrew's birthday party. Regardless of their behavior, you have no right to spank or hit or lay hands on my children. We have talked about this before and I am increasingly very concerned about leaving them with you. To that end, and because of the incidences described above, the girls will not be going to church with you and mom anymore until I am confident that they will not be belittled or physically harmed by you. In the future, if something happens that you believe warrants a punishment, you may send them to their room until I can deal with it. I spoke with Violet tonight and addressed the issue of her behavior but regardless of whether or not she was being disrespectful, threatening her physically was disrespectful to her as well as me.

I realize that you and Mom both have sacrificed a lot to help us out and I do appreciate it. I'm doing all that I can to get to a point where we can be self-sufficient. You say you want respect and I agree. As their mother, I am trying to teach the girls respect but feel constantly undermined as a parent and feel my boundaries are violated because you believe you know what is best. This contradiction is teaching the girls that they don't have to listen to me if they choose not to. Is it not obvious how very disrespectful that is to me and the girls? I believe your expectations about how the girls should behave are unrealistic and if you spent time really getting to know my children the way I do, then you would know that Violet acts that way when something isn't right. Instead of stopping to ask her what was bothering her last night or to try to get to the root of it, compliance was demanded. I do not choose to raise my children that way. Although we live in your house, it is still my responsibility to discipline the girls and make decisions about what is best for them.

It saddens me that instead of taking this last year as an opportunity to be a positive role model, the girls are alienated from yet another man which only adds to their insecurities. What the kids need is for someone to build them up, not knock them down a peg. They are very good kids. They are intelligent and compassionate despite their quirks and misbehavior. It seems to me that you ignore their strengths and the unique characteristics that make them the amazing girls that they are. My desire is for you to have a loving relationship with them as their grandfather; but, I feel deeply saddened because I believe it will be a miracle if you have any sort of relationship with them when this is all said and done. Please tell me that's not the legacy you want to leave.