Crying is for whimps!

Watching a cheesy Lifetime movie. Watching the woman cry over her humiliation. I never cried except for out of frustration. I left it all there and tried to move on. I wonder if all of that denial is what is eating out my stomach. I stuffed it and stuffed it until I didn't realize that there was anything left to feel. I killed that old self by denial and rejections. Now, I am paying for so many crimes that I commit against myself. But, I continue on with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. Isn't that what a good Christian does? Here, at my parents, I relive my childhood. It is like I'm stuck in a karmic loop. How do I break free? The answer, as cheesy as it may seem is love. Totally selfless love. I don't think anyone has loved me like that except for my mom when I was a baby.

The kids are gone for about 24 hours and I feel this conflict over whether to take advantage of the time and do something productive or to just drink and write poetry the whole time. An old friend came over unexpectedly and we had some really interesting conversations. He told me what it was like for people on speed. He said everyone he has talked to who has done speed has said that they see these shadow people. Which is fascinating to me because I remember a very vivid dream I had once about this shadow man. He was holding me down with his thumb and I couldn't move, or speak. I could only control my eyes. I've had these sorts of dreams before and now know that they have to do with sleep paralysis which makes me wonder if speed affects the same sort of chemicals that are affected during sleep paralysis. Which makes me think more and more that our perception of the world is greatly affected by our brain chemistry.

I remember my ex-husband telling me that he could see music in colors. I've often wondered if he might be schizophrenic, or at the very least bipolar, and his sensory receptors were mixed up. LSD does that also - mixes up the senses. and they used it in the past to treat schizophrenics. I wish I had the money and time to go back to school and become a brain research scientist. Maybe in my next lifetime.