I guess I'm finally getting the break that I've needed for so long. Life has been so crazy and so full of drama and heartache over the last few years. The only problem is that now I realize how very lonely I am. Instead of shrugging off this feeling, I am trying to embrace it. I'm trying to really let myself feel it and not run away from it by busying myself. That is the primary way that I handled everything: the divorce, the orgasmic fling, the health issues, the career changes, the kids, and the poverty. I just kept plugging along, willing myself forward by finding things to keep me distracted. Friends, partying, flirting, and of course all of my responsibilities as a single mom.
Underneath it all this longing has remained. My christian upbringing led me to believe that this longing was for god, that we all had this god-shaped hole inside of us that only "he" could fill. Now I see it partly as a longing for my true self. I know that sounds very noble and spiritual, but I have to admit the other part of that longing is for true companionship. I've done the online dating thing to try and open myself up to new opportunities and "practice" dating again. I've decided that online dating is like a perpetual interview. It is not reality. Instead, everyone is trying to present themselves as a great catch. They either are desperately trying to find their "soul-mate" or they are looking for free sex. I was more on the friends-with-benefits end of the spectrum. I wasn't necessarily looking for just sex, but I didn't want all the drama and dependence that goes along with a "relationship". I didn't want to have to figure out how to balance a relationship with my responsibilities. I even went so far as putting an ad on Craig's List for a FWB. I got over one hundred responses, but I never followed up on any of them. I guess it was enough for me to know that I could find someone.
I have now decided that I don't want just anyone. . .
breathe.
13 years ago
1 comment:
For me, that "hole" wasn't seeking god either, it was seeking me. I still seek me. I'm closer than I was before, but that sort of connection with one's self takes a long time to cultivate.
To me, connection with our true selves and connection with something outside ourselves is key in our experiences in life. For some, that outward connection comes from a job that has meaning to them, or with animals, or children, or nature around them, or some spiritual path...and with people.
Whether seeking a mate or a deep friendship, I think that outward connection helps us learn more of our inner selves.
Feeling instead of suppressing is hard, but I believe you're strong enough to do it. (((hugs)))
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